Tough Kid in a Tough World #

I have two children 7 years apart. My first born was the perfect child. Sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. A calm and easy baby as far as babies go. The anxiety was all within me because I honestly never had great dreams of being a mom. I was never against it either. It was something I figured I’d do because that’s what you do isn’t it?

Luckily my first born made it look easy. He made me look like a perfect mom and the difficulties I had with him were tough but I honestly had no idea how tough it could actually be. Each year he got older I found myself just loving how much he was growing personality wise. He was a bit too timid at times but it was part of a really laid back nature. Plus I was really shy growing up.

Things were great and then we decided to get pregnant again. My son actually was wondering if he’d ever have a sibling. That’s when we took the plunge. It was 7 years and 2 days later that his younger brother was born. The nurse at the hospital said I had the calmest baby in the nursery. Could we be so lucky? Again?

This new baby did not sleep through the night till 6 months old. He was fussy and needy and I found myself at my wit’s end. He turned normal things into dangerous climbing apparatuses. He had been to the ER twice before 2 years of age. Of course he also loved to laugh and play and as he grew I found he loved as hard as he played and cried. He was a wonderful emotional being that had my heart but who later would get in trouble for it.

We spend all our time teaching our kids to run and walk and talk and speak up and then we send them to school and its shut up and sit down and listen. My son struggled to get with the program. His impulsivity getting him in deep trouble. In daycare we had to speak to his teacher and director often. In kinder we had him evaluated after some incidents but the teacher felt she had the patience for him and luckily also had a love for his other qualities. He then had a great first grade teacher who also loved him and worked with him. And then we had to move.

His new teacher now doesn’t have the patience or love for him. She had a tightly ran classroom that was now being interrupted by my son who liked to talk and laugh and didn’t just keep his mouth shut when asked to shut it. The phone calls started and I felt beat down. Was it time to get him evaluated again? We spent a three day weekend just trying to teach him the importance or getting with the program. This included more punishments than usual and lectures and lots of tears on all ends.

Hes had two good days thus far and we wondered if we should have always been this tough. It’s so hard to essentially kill his spirit to conform to what society expects. I hate that his strengths and the wonderful qualities that make him him are being seen as bad or stifled. As an adult all those things would be celebrated. Except for the tantrums maybe. It’s tough raising him and I only hope the best for him. If it ends up being something more medically then we will come to that when the time comes. For now i just hope we are doing right by him .

How have you handled your tough kid situations?

I Almost Missed the Signs…

I almost missed the blatant red flag my friend had sent me via text. She forwarded me a text she was thinking of sending to her dad and wanted to know what I thought. Prior to that she told me she wasn’t feeling great and came home during lunch and took the rest of the day off to take a warm bath.

I knew she had always struggled with depression and that recently life had dealt her some major blows. In short her father was not all who she thought he was. This shattered her image of her family and made her question everything. She is in her upper 30s but she felt like she was a child again and like she never truly knew this man amidst the horrors that had been brought to her attention.

Her text was questioning him and accusing him. She included her mother and blamed them for the issues she now had. At the end of it she said something about committing a “selfish act”, a “permanent one”, but that her family was strong and beautiful and they would be ok.

I almost missed it. I asked her what she hoped to gain from the text. Closure? Answers? I feared she would never get the answers she wanted. I focused on the questions to her parents thinking that the permanent and selfish act was her simply keeping her family away from them.

She told me she was drinking and she loved me. Her texts soon became hard to follow and I felt slight alarms going off inside me. I told her I loved her and as I read some of the texts aloud to a another friend, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Had I just read her suicide note?

It had been an hour since she had texted. I texted a mutual friend, one home we were both close to. We were both panicking. She lives 4 hours away. I texted her ex husband. He said he had been getting weird texts as well but her teenage daughter would soon be home. I was terrified.

Her daughter found her. A mixture of wine and pills swam inside her. Their weekend was spent at the hospital and with psych evaluations. I couldn’t go up to see her because I have small children and no one to watch them but our mutual friend went to visit. She said it was sad to see her in such a state.

We knew she was suffering. But had no clue her suffering had led to this thought process. She had just been at my house the weekend before supporting me with some fairly hard times I’m going through. We had talked. We had cried and hugged. Things seemed “ok” all things considering.

I wish that I could be the friend to drop everything and be there. I do not have the regular support most families have though and I have 2 kids, one of which who doesn’t make things easier. And as I mentioned I’m going through something huge right now. Something I may talk about one day. But for now I need my time.

I dont know how to be there for her except to offer her my love and support. I dont even know that I’m strong enough right now to be there for her. She doesn’t want to talk much. Her family is understandably scared and angry. They are still trying to process.

I hope that this was a cry for help and not a true intention of leaving this world. I feel horrible for almost missing it. I’m just glad that she is still here. She’s seeking help. And for now it sounds like she wants to fight to stay here. I only hope this is a step toward a brighter and happier future for her. Or at least one she can live in.

Note: I dont have much experience with depression and suicide to this extent. I experience my bouts but I’ve never had serious dangerous thoughts. I also once had a manager who committed suicide and it was a shock but I had some experience going though grief counseling brought in by my job at the time. As much as we all think how selfish it is, I have no idea what is going through someone’s mind during that time. If you’re contemplating it, please reach out to someone. Anyone. Included is the national suicide prevention hotline. I even read you can call if you just need to talk.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Continue reading “I Almost Missed the Signs…”

We Are Never Alone.

How many times have you been going through something, feeling like you are the only one going through it? Or like no one else would understand what you’re going through? Perhaps you feel shame or embarrassment expressing your feelings, your fears, or even your dreams. You feel like you can’t talk to anyone for fear of being judged or letting down your guard. Well I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone.

Someone else is going through what you are going through. Someone out there is feeling the the exact same way. I realized this when I came across an anonymous site where woman and some men were sharing so much more than they ever would had their names been attached. They sought answers and comfort and understanding. They discussed fears and stigmas. And they supported each other. It is a sad thing that we cant do these things out in the open, but I’m glad these places exist. We need ways to connect, if even anonymously.

This blog will be to remind ourselves that someone is always out there who supports you, who has been through it, who is going through it. I want this to become a safe place to discuss anything and everything. Sometimes the ideas will come from my personal stories, stories from friends, but also stories from you. Eventually I’d like to move to a podcast format for some real and authentic interaction. Feel free to comment with your ideas and thoughts. This blog is for me to get through some tough things as well and heal and even though technically its mine I want it to be ours and one where we can help each other. Anything shared with me will be kept anonymous. I do not claim to be an expert or doctor, but a woman who has felt alone and feels alone and who realizes she needs people and people need people. I volunteer to be your person as much as I can possibly be through these words.